Been around for a while but worth revisiting. Personal favourite it the unknown pilot who's bored
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?'
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm
f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the
little Fokker in sight.'
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your
last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport.'
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
'Because you lost the bloody war!'
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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on
frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'