In many ways, heavy drinking while in flight is a very big part of the passenger experience on long-haul flights (combined with sleeping pills, the two represent the 'little secret' of many road warriors, don't they?)
Nonetheless, the following information is not for teetotalers, alcoholics who are trying to stay sober, or anyone who can't take a joke (that was a disclaimer, btw). Cheers!
GUEST BLOG: Drinking away the in-flight blues, by crazy man
As my giant Amazon friend Mary has been spread rather thin as of late, I've volunteered to share my insights into "alternative forms of in-flight entertainment"...
Flying can be a traumatic experience, especially since none of these high-tech gizmos that our flame-haired oracle writes about trickles down to the huddled masses- especially on such airborne cattle-cars that U.S. Airways flies. Yes, coach on U.S. Airways... a horrifying experience by any standard- especially if you're flying trans-Atlantic or worse... It's a veritable Guantanamo Bay of the skies.
In a few short weeks as the Paris Air Show looms ominously.... I myself will have to undertake this horrifying journey to France where not only do people not speak English, but they consider snails to be a delicacy... but truth be told, escargot is actually quite good- in fact all their food is awesome and there are plenty of hot chicks in Paris- unlike in the Washington Metro area... so those are positives.
Oh yeah, and Kirby will probably be there... But I digress...
What I am here to discuss is the fine art of in-flight alcohol abuse- it's probably not good for you pre se, but it doesn't compare to the horrors of being trapped on a A330 with 300 or more malodorous humans on a U.S. Airways flight across the pond. I wonder if my health plan covers PTSD?
Anyways, moving on...
The first step is to pre-drink- but not to the point where they won't let you on to the flight. Remember, airline cabins are pressurized to 8000ft, so even if you're not inebriated on terra firma- all is not lost; you might be quite intoxicated up in the air as the altitude magnifies the effects of alcohol.
If it's in the morning, you want to start off with something that isn't obviously alcohol to those around you- Irish coffee is but one fine choice. Another fine choice could be a Screwdriver- a fine mix of vodka and orange juice- all the better for not looking like a drunk at 10 a.m. in front of your boss- for instance.
I recommend a 50/50 blend- time can't be wasted in matters of such vital import.
Once on board- one must pace him or her self, lest the guards errr... flight attendants become suspicious and cut you off. Usually, on international flight they have the basics... beer, wine, and sprits.
I recommend mixed drinks, as the selection of wines and beers is usually atrocious. Gin, Vodka or Rum can be used as the foundation of many drinks that can help the flight go more smoothly. Both Vodka and Gin can be combined with an assortment of juices and sodas that are readily available in-flight. Rum goes best with Coke or Pepsi.
After a few rounds, the alcohol and 8000 ft cabin altitude will kick-in and the living nightmare that is a trans-Atlantic flight will pass quickly as you fall into a state of inebriated bliss.